Skinny

Mari kita bicara soal body image. 

Gua gak pernah terlalu tertarik pada pembahasan ini karena simply, I love my self that I dissed every words or intriguing questions from people, regarding my imperfections. BUT, that was until supposed to be one fine lunch. 

I've been troubled with my mental state. The cycle was very similar to 7- 8 years ago. I couldn't take lunch or breakfast because I was too sad and depressed. It felt like I needed to get all this negativity out of my system, literally. It was things that I couldn't control nor avoid. It just, happened. Every breakfast or lunch was a fight. Because I don't have any appetite to get one, but I understand I couldn't missed out another plate. Otherwise gerd would sent me to worsening situation. 

Of course, I lose another weight. Yeay!.

Kesalahan gua adalah. I told my coworkers this issue. "Aku kalo sedih emang jadi susah makan sih". I didn't stress this enough that behind 'sedih', there is mount of terrible sadness that sometimes unbearable. Finally they come up with judging questions

"Terus kamu kalo sedih ngapain?"

"Kamu jangan jadi masokis gitu dong, makan makanya"

"Kamu tuh tambah kurus kan"

They didn't realise that this is beyond their idea of teenage galau girl who refused to eat to simply torture herself. No, this is not. And there was nothing significant I could do, at that time. Gua juga gak bisa tiba - tiba menghilangkan rasa pengen muntah setiap kali makan siang. Atau lebih impossible lagi gaining weight in order to look 'healthy'.

"Celana kerjamu udah skinny ya padahal, tapi tetep aja ni pantat keliatan gak ada isinya hehe" 

Saking terkesimanya, gua cuma senyum. Kehabisan kata.

"Kamu kalo makan dibanyakin gitu loh"

"Ya gak bisa. Mau gimana"

"Temenku dulu minum appeton lumayan sih naiknya. Kamu gak mau nyoba?"

"Enggak, I like what I see now in the mirror" and I didn't lie. I still love my body right now. I cherish every inch of it after taking shower. But one idea strucked me. 

Ternyata ditengah rising awareness of mental health issue and body image, there are still people who completely either too fool or too arrogant to understand it. It seemed like there is double standard of being too skinny. Masih ada notion soal skinny being the standard. Jadi kalo lu terlalu kurus, then, your problem is the easy piece of cake. And it is okay to address them in public, because it feels good to build people up and give them a boost of self improvement. 

Membahas fisik orang lain, apapun bentuknya atau isunya, MASIH bukan sesuatu hal yang benar. Bisa jadi, keadaannya sekarang karena mental statenya lagi gak bener. Atau karena mereka memang punya penyakit yang menguras semua nutrisi dalam tubuh mereka. Atau karena memang genetik darisananya. Which if I may sum up, something that you can not change in second you tell them to man up and take the dinner. 

It is very simple being kind, you just need to be more sensitive. Problems that doesn't exist in your eyes, is still exist in their mind and body.

P.s: I understand that I might be that incensitive bitch in the past. Thus, I'm so sorry for the destruction I left you with.

P.s.s: I'm getting better now. My mental state is more stable, or at least quite and plain. My appetite comes back gradually. Just in case you worry.