Last drip of 25
I'm counting days before I no longer able to acknowledge my self as 25. Quarter life crisis came too early, and hit like truck lately. But if that was a tunnel, then, I guess this is the light that i started to see. I lost many things, just like many other people. But I gain a lot too, and this is one of them.
Being the only child alive in my core family, I've been spending most of my life feeling afraid of being alone. That's why my biggest fear was losing them. I lost dad earlier this year, and praying harder to have more time with mom.
But, that got me thinking, eventually, it is inevitable to lose every one you love. Every relationship will end either way. Whether you are prepared or not. And the only thing you can keep is yourself. Because it is always up to you. Whether to keep her along or leave her behind. Whether to built her up or beat her down. Which also by knowing this, I understand that I'm not as helpless as I thought. For the first time, surprisingly, I have a little bravery to grow up alone. A little sparks indeed and yet more than enough.
Though, to take it from different perspective, I have to admit that eventhough I no longer that afraid to live alone, I still have that lingering fears of losing every one I love. Maybe, it is something that I will never get over, or I don't know. It is still a long journey ahead to get the answer of the question, I hope.
I have less than 5 years before hitting thirty. I dont know where I would be, what I would do, or who I would love. But I hope I slay that age. To be honest, for a former hopeless romantic, imagining have a life with only my self is a bit lonely sometimes, but it somehow feels liberating. To be not bound with everyone else and to every uncertainty it follows. Being with my longest commitment, which is my self, is enough for now.
I still have picture that my 17 y.o. self holds dearly. Married, having family and kids of my own. Living in our house which far from big because we like to keep everyone packed inside feeling warm with love, laugh, and stories before bed. Wide yards and cozy fench for a coffee in the morning, in the neighborhood where we actually know everyone. That picture still beautiful for me in every way. But I'd loved hard before, got disappointed, while miscalculating everything. I was a victim and a villain in other stories. Because heart changes, and the only certain thing is the existence of ourselves in our life. So when it comes to conclusion, other people may have that kind of life, and I will always happy for them. However, if my stories come differently, I'm no longer afraid, as it is still a life that I will cheer as long as I breath :).
0 comments