Downfall

I always know there is something wrong with me, sometimes i have manic, being in the top of everything, everybody knows me, I can do anything I want, even something that usually frightened me, it is no longer that scary. Even in the middle of the night, when nobody is around, I can dancing around feeling good about my self, about my body, that I am beautiful as long as I'm happy. 

And there is the time, the downfall. A time like this, I need more than dozen thing to be focus. I need something that terribly important to keep me doing something that I have to do, that it will just goes to waste if I abandon everything. But sometimes, this hectic mind telling me the opposite, and I abandon them. Things, people, good good people I know. Simple fact that makes me feeling stupid when soon, just really soon, I'll be miserable because having nobody around, to hug me, make me in comfort and telling me that it is okay not to be okay. And I forgot that I had pushed them at the very beginning. I closed the gate for everyone, I built that high high wall to keep them outside the borderline. I am forget that I am the one who make my own self feel desperately lonely. 

Sometimes I forgot that I have people that cover my pain, all of the weaknesses I have. Sometimes I just desperately running chasing for solution in small closed box.

And if it is true, that nobody is there, I forgot that I have Allah that always be there. I just didn't ask for help, I just too arrogant to ask His companion. That He is the only one that can make my heart complete, make me no longer feeling lonely when I exactly alone. Just Him.